


grand theft penguin

by soperiso



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: BAMF Michelle Jones, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Everyone is a bit OOC, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, Field Trip, Gen, How Do I Tag, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I hope, Michelle Jones is a Little Shit, Oblivious Peter Parker, Penguins, Zoo, but that's just the nature of crack fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24739630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soperiso/pseuds/soperiso
Summary: Peter's class goes on a field trip to the zoo. Peter is obsessed with the spiders. Ned is really vibing with the lemurs. MJ liberates a penguin. Natasha and Clint are most definitely not there, and neither is Carole Baskin. This is a crackfic and I'm not sorry.Rated T for swear words.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Natasha Romanov
Comments: 13
Kudos: 91





	grand theft penguin

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at 3am last night (this morning?). i don't really remember writing it, but i saw it this morning and thought 'what the hell, i might as well put this on ao3'. so,, enjoy.

“Hi, yes, okay. I know that all of our past field trips have been disasters, but the district still requires us to take you on one every year. Believe me, I’ve tried to get out of it. But! I think you guys might enjoy this one. Drumroll, please.” He pauses and looks around the room expectantly. “No? Okay, that’s okay. I’ll just tell you; we’re going to the zoo! Now, I know that a lot of things can go wrong at a zoo, but I think that we can handle it, right guys?”

“Yes, Mr. Harrington.” The students say in the monotone, lifeless way that only high school students can.

“Great, field trip will be next Friday. I’m handing out permission slips now. Make sure to get them back to me by Wednesday.

Ned leans over to Peter and whispers conspiratorially, “Do you think they’ll have any lemurs?”

Peter tilts his head back, “What kind of a question is that? Of course they’ll have lemurs.”

Ned nods, then: “Are you excited to meet your brethren?”

“My… what?” Peter frowns.

“You know,” Ned’s hand does a weird crawly thing that Peter figures is a poor imitation of a spider, “your _brethren_.”

Peter facepalms, “For the love of God, Ned. I’m not a spider.”

MJ looks up from her notebook and raises an eyebrow at him, “You sure about that, Parker?”

Peter’s eyes widen, “Of- of course I am! Spiders, they’re just the worst. Right, Ned? Just the worst. I do not affiliate with them.”

“Oh yeah,” Ned says, nodding vigorously, “the worst. Peter’s aunt was killed by a spider. Garbage creatures.”

Peter’s face scrunches up in the _what the fuck, Ned?_ sort of way. MJ lightly snorts and goes back to writing furiously.

Peter sneaks a glance at the page before she quickly covers it with her arm. “MJ,” he begins, “Why are you writing a detailed plan on how to steal a penguin?”

She glares at him, “Mind your damn business, Parker.” She says, a hard edge to her voice.

Peter puts his hands up in surrender, “I know nothing.”

MJ nods once.

Ned is thinking about lemurs. Are they monkey cats? Ned is pretty sure they’re monkey cats.

____________

They all pack into a stuffy school bus on Friday morning. Ned, MJ, and Peter all sit on the same row because, in this household, we love and respect trios. It is a wide school bus. Don’t question it. Point is, they’re all happy and friends and everything is good.

“MJ, why are you wearing that coat? It’s, like, 5,000 degrees in here.” Peter says.

MJ glares at him from inside of her gigantic, puffy prison. “Don’t question me.”

Mr. Harrington stands up at the front of the bus, “Hey kiddos, we’ve got some great chaperones. Let me introduce you to Natalie Rushmore and Clunt Birdton. Natalie Rushmore and Clunt Birdton wave from their seats. 

“Is it just me or do they look kind of familiar?” Peter asks Ned and MJ.

“No, I definitely recognize them from somewhere.” Ned says, his eyes narrowing.

MJ wonders why she spends so much time around such idiots.

After that, nothing much happens. The ride to the zoo is fairly long, but not so long that they wish they were Miss Keisha. 

When they arrive, they’re greeted by a cheerful tour guide who looks an awful lot like Carole Baskin, tiger print and all.

Peter mumbles under his breath, “Carole Baskin killed her husband, wacked him.” 

MJ continues, “Can’t convince me that it didn’t happen.”

“Fed him to Tigers, they snackin”, Ned finishes.

“What’s happening?” Abe whispers, genuinely confused.

Peter shoots him a deadpan look. “Carole Baskin.”

The tour guide clears her throat, “Hey all you cool cats and kittens! Let’s get going! Come get ya’ll juice.” She gestures to the basket of wristbands that all read “cool kitten” on them. “And then we’ll start the tour!”

Once everyone has their wristbands, the tour guide who is definitely not Carole Baskin leads them into the zoo.

____________

“Are we really gonna pretend like our chaperone isn’t the _literal_ Black Widow? Oh, and HawkGuy.” Flash asks as they walk through the zoo to the first exhibit.

“What are you talking about, Flash?” Betty says.

“Are you joking?” Flash stares incredulously at Betty.

Betty stares back, “Natalie Rushmore and Clunt Birdton are completely normal people.”

Flash runs his hand through his hair with exasperation, “Oh yeah? Then why is Rushmore sharpening a knife with the Black Widow logo on it?”

“She’s committed to the aesthetic.” Betty shrugs.

“Birdton is literally wearing a shirt that says _‘I am HawkGuy’._ ” 

“So? My mom has that shirt. Are you saying she’s HawkGuy, too?” Betty raises an eyebrow and puts her hand on her hip.

Flash sighs, “Oh for the love of- That’s it. I’m leaving. Goodbye.” 

And with that, Flash Thompson walks backwards into a bush Homer Simpson style and is never seen or heard from again.

____________

The tour group arrives at the creepy crawlies area and are told to go look at the creepies and the crawlies for a bit. 

“My brethren.” Peter whispers as he enters the spider exhibit. He moves towards the glass that separates him and many, many spiders and lightly puts his hand on it. As if sensing his presence, the spiders all turn towards him. It is oddly reminiscent of that one video with the gummy bears. 

Peter jumps when his Peter Tin- no. No, he will not start calling it that. Peter jumps when his _Spidey-Sense_ goes off.

“Hello, random student.” Natalie Rushmore greets.

“Hi Ms. Rushmore.”

Natalie looks at him for a moment, as if waiting for him to say something else. When he fails to do so, she sighs. Peter goes back to obsessively watching the spiders. Natalie joins him.

“Spiders are found on every continent except Antarctica.” Natalie says, except it’s muffled because her face is pressed against the glass like Peter’s.

Peter hums in acknowledgement.

“Spiders eat more insects than birds and bats combined.”

“Better tell Scott to watch the fuck out.”

“Spiders have blue blood. In humans, oxygen is bound to hemoglobin, a molecule that contains iron and gives blood its red color. In spiders, oxygen is bound to hemocyanin, a molecule that contains copper rather than iron.”

“Do you… do you think…?”

“No, Peter. I don’t think you have blue blood. Remember that bloody nose you got, like, a week ago? Red, not blue.”

Peter sighs and frowns. “Spiders are weird, man.”

Natash- uh, Natalie nods. 

They go back to watching the spiders.

A bit later, Not Carole Baskin leads them to the lemur exhibit.

“Woah,” Ned says, walking up to the fence, “They look exactly like I thought they would. Madagascar didn’t lie to me. Literal monkey cats.”

He watches in awe as a lemur swings around the enclosure, “Oh my God, he on x games mode.”

Meanwhile, Clunt and MJ sneak away from the tour group and hurry to the penguin exhibit.

“Sir, what are you doing?” A security guard demands.

Clunt freezes halfway over the fence surrounding the enclosure. “I’m… vibing?”

The security guard stares at him for a few minutes, then, “Carry on.”

MJ softly hits the woah and pushes Clunt all the way over before following.

“So, we’re here. Now what?” Clunt says, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt.

“Now, we liberate a penguin.”

“Any preference?”

MJ takes a moment to scan the penguin enclosure. “That one,” she says, pointing to a little penguin that keeps failing to climb up onto some rocks.

Clunt and MJ sneak over to it, making sure to waddle like penguins so they blend into their surroundings. When they’re close enough, MJ snatches the penguin and puts it into her coat, holding in place by crossing her arms over her stomach. 

“Can you tell I have a penguin?”

Clunt assesses her. “No, you’re golden.” He concludes.

He and MJ quickly make their way out of the enclosure and back to the tour group.

“Where have you been?” Not Carole asks, her eyebrows unbelievably high on her head.

“Bathroom.” Clunt says. 

MJ nods, hands still over her stomach, “I don’t feel so good.”

Peter’s face goes pale and he faints.

____________

  
  


The bus ride back is accompanied by chirps and squawks of various decibels. All of them come from MJ.

Peter looks at her concernedly, “MJ, are you… good?”

“Yes,” _squawk_ , “I’ve never been better,” _chirp_ , “Why do you ask?”

Peter purses his lips and shakes his head. “Nope, no reason.”

Clunt shoots MJ two thumbs up when Peter’s not looking.

A little black and white head pokes out from MJ’s coat. _Chirp_ , it says. MJ blanches.

Mr. Harrington sees it before MJ can push it back down. He stands up. “Michelle Jones. I swear to God. Is that a penguin? Do you have a penguin in your coat? Did you _steal_ a fucking _penguin_ from the _zoo_?”

MJ slowly shakes her head.

“No,” Mr. Harrington says, throwing his hands in the air. “Nope, nada, nyet, absolutely the fuck not. That’s it. I’m retiring. I don’t care if I don’t have a 401K. I can’t do this anymore.” He sits back down and puts his head in his hands. 

For the rest of the ride, soft and panicked murmurs of “What the fuck?” can be heard from the front of the bus.

Their arrival at the school is met with indifference. Nobody mentions the penguin. Weeks later, the headline _‘HawkGuy and Midtown Student Release Penguin into the Arctic Wild’_ is broadcasted. Somewhere, Mr. Harrington breaks down into tears.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! feel free to drop a kudos or a comment if you didn't think it was utter garbage!
> 
> come hang out with me on [tumblr!](https://soperiso.tumblr.com)
> 
> almost forgot: the facts that natasha says about spiders all come directly from https://www.factretriever.com/spider-facts because i know nothing about spiders.


End file.
